NAME: CLEM
INSTRUMENT: Stratocaster Guitar, Flailing, Crystal Meth Dealin'
RAP SHEET: Using the Olsen twins as a Human shield During Armed Robbery

Iffin' there were some manner of purdy contest, Clem'd probably win. Seems Clem's the only one who's face wasn't affected by mama's crystal meth smokin' during her pregnancy (and labour fer that matter). Clem writes near all the songs in the 'Bell and has been known to visit a medicine man in the fine state of New Mexico fer inspiration. Funny thing is, every time he comes back he ain't got no money and can never remember doin' nothin' except smokin' peyote with a bunch of funny lookin' fellas wearin' ladies clothes. Clem's trademark flailin' goes back to him tryin' to get Mama's attention durin' dinner. See? Even the purdy ones gots their crosses to bear. Sometimes he pleasures the dead. Go figger.
NAME: SGT. ROCK
INSTRUMENT: Lead Vocal, Systematic Defiling of Background Singers
RAP SHEET: Classified

After the Sarge was dishonourably discharged from the Army, he made a bee line for Glen's Bay, Oklahoma to rendez-vous with the rest of the 'Bell. The Sarge's main responsibility is wakin' the boys up at 6 every mornin' to make 'em cry. He's still under Federal surveillance as a result of a warehouse full of rocket launchers, C4, and Betamax porno videos. He wuz ridin' shotgun when the cops chased after James Brown (the Godfather of Soul if you didn't know). He got off (if you get me) after a 17 hour rectal cavity search, but not without liftin' a couple o' top drawer dance styles from James. He's come in purdy near last every year at the Ultimate Fighting Championships... never drink before a fight.
NAME: HOLLIS
INSTRUMENT: Double Neck Guitar, Cheque Embosser
RAP SHEET: Driving without a Brainstem, Failure to Appear (42) Illegal Consumption of a Banned Substance (Feces)

I reckon Hollis has a small problem with dental cleanliness. When he was just a boy his mama used ta pick 'em up by his gnarled feet and use his purdy set of pearlies to clean off the plugs in the Nova. Mr. Gentry was removed from the eight grade (he was 27 at the time) after he applied some fantastical taxidermy to his 4th wife Daisy-Sue. Sheet, I say he wuz just bein' all arty like. Only time this boy is real happy is the bi-monthly propane canon competition staged out at the shine shack. Parole Jimmy says he's just a might bit misunderstood.
NAME: CHAINSAW CHARLIE
INSTRUMENT: Chainsaw, Fireproof Bodysuit by Clemco, Total Liquidation Sale
RAP SHEET: Using an Unlicenced Chainsaw during a Briss

The boys were lucky enough to pick up Charlie in beautiful Wetaskewin, AB on their way through on their tour of the Enormo-domes of Canada. He was covered from head to toe in blood and money. One of the 'Bell's policies is not to ask too many questions in sitchiations like these, so Chainsaw hopped on in and spun many a tale about his magical work with the old growth in the Amazon. I looked on the map and it looked awful green down there - I don't think them woodsy folks mind if we borrow a couple of logs to beat flop-eared rabbits to death with.
NAME: THE COUSIN WHO HATH NO NAME
INSTRUMENT: Explorer Guitar, Southern Shine Harp, Traingle
RAP SHEET: Drivin' without a Name, Involuntary Sleeping

Well, I reckon Cousin's story is a might bit sad. His mama done left 'im on a cotton farm where he was taken in by a gaggle of wombats. Ain't too much we know about those years - when he finally made it out to the interstate, he was carryin' around a large order of narcolepsy. He picked up a little work in around the summer of '77 as a waterboy at Sherma Rae's House of Pain out there on the 489. Man, you just figure someone would give poor Cousin a name, but nothin' done stuck. I reckon even if he had a name, it'll still be real difficult to wake 'im up. Every now and then if youz pay attention, he'll just drop on stage.
NAME: BUBBA LEE PHETT
INSTRUMENT: Baritone Guitar, M16, Concussion Grenade
RAP SHEET: Using the Osmonds for Target Practice

After Bubba completed his record-tying 375th Black Op (including one to Atlantis), he decided on bounty huntin' as a way to make ends meet. Right after he picked up Bea Arthur for impersonatin' a human being, he joined the 'Bell for a cross-country jaunt. If the 'Bell don't werk out for him, he's gunna embark on a couple of projects he's been dreamin' about fer years now. Plan number 1? He's drawin' up plans for a land mine that specifically targets starving kittens and seniors. Plan number 2 involves the constructing of a robotic arm that will attach to his machine gun to allow him to pleasure himself while blowing away innocent civilians. Yeehaw!
NAME: SHERIFF R.F. HORTON
INSTRUMENT: Six Shooter, Leatherfied Whip, 600 Volt Tazer
RAP SHEET: Currently suspended for obsessively tracking southern rock outfit known as "White Cowbell Oklahoma"

Ever since the Sheriff returned from the 'Nam, he's been in one nasty mood. Somewheres along the way he got a bad case of the freaks and started chasin' down the 'Bell. The Rev. Sprinkles seems to enjoy the presence of the law - keepin' the 'Bell all law abidin' is a full time job, i reckon. As a yougin', little R.F. used to ride with the fairs whipping the yahk lady. He ain't never gone a day without that whip ever since. Hell, he's been known to sign his name by way of whippin' on a suspect's hind quarters even after extricatin' a phony confession. He's been buildin' a case fer some time now, but ain't never dropped the hammer. I thinks the boys are growin' on him.
NAME: JESSE
INSTRUMENT: Organ, formerly Keytar, Involuntary Lactation
RAP SHEET: Possession of Stolen Property (Bovine Breast Pump)

Jesse is beholdin' of a condition fairly uncommon to the male folks. Iffin he gets real excited like, his tits done swell up like the mighty Mississip' in springtime and gushes forth about 6 dozen quarts of tit squirt. I reckon a van full of yankee science types have been after Jesse fer some time tryin' to figger it all out, but he eludes 'em. Loads of the neighbourhood gals take advantage of Jesse by milkin' him durin' the wee hours when he's gone into yet another shine induced coma. The rest of the 'Bell ain't never really told Jesse that they think God has blessed him with the gift of the flow. Don't want the ego to get no bigger.
NAME: JESSUP H. CHRIST
INSTRUMENT: Telecaster Guitar, Naked Ass Gyration
RAP SHEET: Constant Removal of Shirt in Third Song

Jessup has an amazin' resemblence to the Sarge - strikes us a little weird 'cause the Sarge don't remember bein' cloned. This boy's gotta himself a fierce public strippin' problem. Him and the Sarge has been known to immerse their vitals in burger fat, pint glasses, sometimes even heated up hair gel. He's Southwestern Oklahoma's reigning champion in the Annual Dolphin Bowhunting Championships. If he'd just stop skewerin' the judges, I reckon he'd move up the standings a little quicker. He's sometimes takin' to pleasurin' the rodents that live under the front porch of the shack. He lures 'em in with his wood flute and has his way with the poor unexpecting creatures of the woods. I keep warnin' them, but they juss looks at me funny.
NAME: DINGO VON DEVEREAUX
INSTRUMENT: Drums, Percussion, Concussion, Random Violence
RAP SHEET: You Don't Wanna Know... Trust Me.

Dingo is the 'Bell's newest member - but he's actually immortal, so that confuses the boys a little bit. He drove his hovercraft all the way from the British Colony of Australiaville - apparently he was looking for the vortex so that he could rejoin his comet cult, but overshot by a little. He ended up smashing into the boys' caravan in Holland and he just stuck (literally). Word is he spent some time in the Middle East to learn about the ins and outs of harems.


When yer runnin' an operation as big as White Cowbell, sometimes you lose a few folks along the way. The God's honest truth is most times we just leave 'em at the Motor-Inn. Nevertheless, please take some time to sample some of the fine folks who have called White Cowbell Oklahoma home.

NAME: MUDFLAP WILLIAMSON
INSTRUMENT: Drums, Gongs, White Cowbell, Whorehouse Whistle
RAP SHEET: Breaking and Re-entering 'Cause he Fergot his Wallet

Mudflap's one of the only members of the 'Bell with a legitimitt job durin' the daylight hours. He builds 500 horsepower go-carts fer the Mexi-Midgets Turbo Death Challenge down in Corpus Christi. His design ain't quite right yet as once those poor little Mexi-Midgets turn over the engine, the nitroglycerine lights up those little heroes up like Uncle Jesse's christmas tree. Nothin' like the smell of smolderin' midgets in the mornin', i reckon. That's the sort of thing that sticks with ya. The victims familes have been puttin' a pot together to get rid of Mudflap, so he's hooked back up with the boys to play the drums. I dunno 'bout you, but I'm a little nervous about the propane gong he built.
NAME: ARLAND STILLWELL III, BILLIONAIRE OIL BARON
INSTRUMENT: 9 Iron
RAP SHEET: Oil Supplier to the Enron Corporation

Some time ago, Arland was sittin' on the porch of his opulent velcro plantation (which y'all can see from space!) watchin' his three wives tend the garden (naked as the day they was born, of course). Lookin' to add the jewel to his already enormous financial empire, Arland decided on bustin' the White Cowbell outta their godforsaken Mexican hellhole they was in. In exchange, the 'Bell turns over any money they make for the next 99 years. I figger that ain't too bad a deal. Every now and then if we gets hungry, he'll buy us a Clark Bar to share. He's got a big heart to keep his enormous wallet company.
NAME: THE COLONEL
INSTRUMENT: Cane, Squirtgun, 40 piece chicken bucket with slaw
RAP SHEET: Life Sentence commuted due to Advanced Age

Every crew's gotta have a leader. Fer an elderly gent all dressed up in white, the Colonel's beholdin' of a soul that's blacker than a steer's toucas on a moonless desert night. At 96, a lot of the younger ladies just don't seem him comin' if you catch my meanin'. He's got a randy streak that juss can't be satisfied. Couple that with his state fair prize winnin' moose sized member, and youz got yerself a recipe fer disaster. Iffin' he don't get serviced on time, he's been known to cane to the rest of the 'Bell sumpin' fierce. He don't mean it none. 'Lot of these boys could use a little disciplinin' every now and then, what with all the drug takin', shine runnin', and playin' the devil' music fer a livin'...
NAME: MISS BUNNY BLAGINA
INSTRUMENT: Lead pipe, Restraining Order, Rolling Pin, Healing through Violence
RAP SHEET: Failure to Remove her hands from her Ex's throat at the bottom of their Pool

We found Bunny hammered in a bar in Pensacola, Florida going on and on about how she was a stunt woman on 'Happy Days' and had actually punched out Pinky Tuskadero right before the Milachi Crunch episode. She makes a livin' drinkin' white boys under the table and she does a cock squeezin' trick where yer knob ends up flyin' across the room into a shot glass. Try that on yer piano. She makes a tasty gumbo made mostly from ex-boyfriends which she um.... loved to death. Bunny has been after Clem fer quite sometime about all them damn kids. No biggie... he just forgot 'em at the mall.

NAME: THE MAGICAL MOOG WIZARD OF ISENGARD
INSTRUMENT: Moog Keyboard, Pyro, Spell Casting, Deflowering
RAP SHEET: Overuse of the word "Mandrake", Disappearing, Morphing with a Suspended License

The 'Bell came across the Wiz during a brief European sojourn. After one of our shows all the boys headed down to the local drunkery only to find the Wiz levitating for free shots and lap dances. The boys fell for him right away. When the 'Bell ran out of dough, Mr. Magic was kind enough to float us back to the U.S in his 120 foot arc. The voyage was long, but he kept the boys entertained by turnin' each one into his favorite cast member from the Dukes for a single day. I likes to call 'im the Dreammaker.
NAME: MADAME PAINUS D'ANUS
INSTRUMENT: Testes Smasher, Cock Embalmer
RAP SHEET: Using Kirk Cameron for a Dildo

The Madame is on permanent retainer all year round to ensure that the 'Bell will be able to bring her and her Bus of Shame on the road. A few years back, Mudflap converted the old Partridge Family bus into a dungeon on wheels. Iffin' you require some domination, yer more than welcome to volunteer - problem is, the Madame gets so lubed up from watching the boys rock she's sometimes been known to grab one of 'em by the 'ol nutsack while they're still on stage and drag them back to her lil' den o' misery. She just saved up enough dough to get her testes smasher out of hock. Ouch. Yay!
NAME: JEBIDIAH OBIDIAH
INSTRUMENT: Vocals, Daily Small Craft flights to Mexico
RAP SHEET: Piloting of a Small Aircraft into a Police Station (7)

Poor Jebidiah. Those familiar with the first shows will remember Jeb - we gets lots of them emails askin' after 'im. Truth is, Jeb got busted after he crash landed a Cessna packed to the tits with wowie dust into a cop shop in Guadalajara. You say bad drivin'? I say bad luck. The pigs cut all his hair off and beat him bad. He could've given up any member of the 'Bell, but he kept his werd. Shawbediah's been werkin' on a plea whereby we'd receieve Jebidiah in exchange for the recipe to the Colonel's shine. Thing is, the 'Bell don't bargain with nobody. Soon as the 'Bell can jump the border, we's gunna bust him out.
NAME: SHAWBEDIAH "THE MAYOR OF ROCK N' ROLL CITY" CULLENEUX, ESQ.
INSTRUMENT: Vocals, Plea Bargainin', Riverboat Gamblin'
RAP SHEET: Disbarred in every state except Alaska

Shawbediah's been known to act as both prosecuter, defender and I reckon sometimes even executioner at the trials of past and present 'Bell members. He's got himself a nasty jones fer riverboat gamblin'. He ain't never lost. When the odds just don't add up fer the folks forkin' over all their unemployment cheques to Shawbediah, theys been known to track him down at the whorehouse to even up, if you get me. In order to extrciate himself from this sitchiation, Shawbediah's been known to hit the road with the 'Bell. Good thing too - most of the boys need representin' at the bail hearings and savin' from bounty hunters.
NAME: THE REVEREND SPRINKLES (shown here with Nicolina Fox)
INSTRUMENT: The Lord, Flaming Bible
RAP SHEET: Improper use of Public Funds, Ferret Fondling, Using the Bible as a Light Source

Iffin' the Rev. Sprinkles weren't around, the Sheriff woulda booked the 'Bell a long time ago. He's been tryin' to git the boys to learn the ways of the Lord, but it's been tough sleddin' seein' as most of the boys can't speak or read none. He keeps takin' off the Humble Pie on the bus and throws on some gospel thinkin' the 'Bell may respond to the golden tones of the Lord. Ain't werkin' to well... I reckon a large portion of the boys got their respective seats reserved on the first handcart to Hell. No use tryin' to pick up the pieces now. I ain't too sure he's 100% god-fearin' himself - I once saw him takin' a purdy young thing into the Uhaul fer quite some time...
NAME: SHERMA-RAE COLLINSON
INSTRUMENT: Backup Vocals, Tambourine, Saturday Night Special
RAP SHEET: Runnin' Whores, 2 counts of Seal Juggling

None of the boys can really figger out why Sherma is always 9 months preggers. Lucky though, when we run outta cashola on the road some of boys just latch onto her milk filled funbags for some quick nourishmentiosity. The local chapter of the Rotary Club strongarmed her into givin' up her whorehouse, so he was forced to go on the road with the boys. I done heard through the grapevine that she can whistle through her caboose and shoot real bullets out her coochie. None one done seen none of this yet, but I gots the old video camera charged and ready just in case she has one too many.
NAME: ENUS "GATOR BREATH" HOGG
INSTRUMENT: Bass Guitar
RAP SHEET: Smoking an Endangered Species

The 'Bell came across Gator durin' a tour stop in the Florida Everglades. He was runnin' a Manatee Harpoonin' tour with a couple of war buddies to supplement his crystal meth empire. Durin' dinner back at his shack we dun saw him eat a live rattlesnake in one bite and then wipe his mouth off with a cobra! Sheet! This boy'z gotta special rapport with animals I 'spose. He used to babysit, but folks stopped lettin' their kids go over after that Russian Roulette accident with the Williamson Boy. Life's full o' lessons, I guess... He's currently workin' on a set of pajamas made entirely from endangered species. Crafty huh? Once you see Enus' right eye kind of flicker and gyrate, best get to a safe place, 'cause shit is gonna go down in an awful hurry.
NAME: EZEKIAL CUMBERBATCH
INSTRUMENT: Telecaster Guitar, Cowbell, Frantic Jumpification
RAP SHEET: Drivin' a vehicle with a blood/sugar level over 90 percent

Ezekial's got a rep fer bein' a tad excitable, especially when he comes in close contact with hydraulic weapons. He ain't much of a hunter - he's usually so jazzed up he juss runs around in circles screamin' and urinatin' on himself. The boys used to be able to calm 'im down by letting him play with the white cowbell. Not no more though... he's started eatin' the damn things. At 23 bucks a pop, he's got himself a nastier habit that some of the boys. He's been hard at werk designin' a winter cozy fer the '69 Dodge Charger. I reckon he's got a fortune juss waitin'... nobody dun likes a cold vee-hick-le. Seein' as he's so lit up all the time, he doesn't even ride the bus with the 'Bell. He juss runs along the shoulder besides the bus.
NAME: THE ELUSIVE ZEKE
INSTRUMENT: Drums, Gong, Cowbell, Squirrel Buggery
RAP SHEET: Fired from his job at Swaying Oaks Funeral Parlour for Undisclosed Reasons

None of the boys in the 'Bell have seen hide nor hair of old Zeke fer some time now. Last time I saw him was on Real TV. He was videotaping a hurricane approaching his shine shack and, well, all I can say is it all went horribly wrong shortly thereafter. Word on the street is he made it out of that alright, but got his peter bit off by Old Man Robertson's pitbulls. I guess he'd made some kind of a wager which entailed sticking his unit into the jaws of a pit bull. I guess he used his blindfold to wipe up the blood. Sheesh!
NAME: DESTRUCTO DOUGIE DEERSLAYER
INSTRUMENT: Drums, General Violence, Wanton Cruelty
RAP SHEET: Endangered Species BBQ

The boys sure miss the drummin' of Mr. Deerslayer. Oh well, our loss is San Quentin's gain. He ain't real fit for domestic life as such. He used to deliver ice cream to low income neighbourhoods... didn't do SO much deliverin' though - just sort of drove around yellin' "Sucks to be poor don't it! This ice cream sure is good!". He don't eat nothin' that he can't kill with his bare hands, so he's recently taken to eating seniors (they don't put up too much of a fight). He's somewhat of an inventor as well - he's right on the cusp of sellin' exploding attack alligators filled with knives to the US Army.
NAME: ROSETTA, QUEEN OF THE NIGHT
INSTRUMENT: Vocals, Seduction
RAP SHEET: Selling fireworks from her Greasy Coochie

Every man that ever bedded down with Rosetta has met with a horrible fate. She does do the killin' sometimes, but she's got a team of fucktoys that runs around doin' her evil biddin'. She was goin' after the oil tycoons for a while like her buddy Anna Nicole, but they got her face plastered all over corporate America now warnin' the old geezers about the 'Oklahoma Black Widow'. She's gots the wily female charms to suck in the lads... doesn't take much more. She also got her coochie hair shaved into the shape of Oklahoma state, so she suckers in the real patriotic boys too.
NAME: FINGERS MCGILLICUDDY
INSTRUMENT: Stratocaster Guitar, JD Shirt, Water Bucket
RAP SHEET: Possession of an Illegal Mail Order Bride

Sometimes life sure deals ya funny cards. One time in the summer of '76, Fingers was workin' on his gazebo when he was struck by lightnin' 47 times. Terrible right? Wrong. Ever since that fateful day Fingers has had the healin' power and the ability to play the fastest damn gittar this side of the Mason-Dixon line. One side effect of the voltage has left Fingers unable to digest most foods, so he's down a bit from his previous weight of 420 pounds. I think the last time we weighed 'im he came in around 150. He gets any skinnier, the 'Bell is gunna hafta snake a tube down his hole.
NAME: LEWDY RUDY-MAE
INSTRUMENT: Rhodes Piano, Shopliftin'
RAP SHEET: Killing Black Rhinos just to Eat their Eyes

Well, you'd never know it to look at her, but Rudy-Mae has a heart as black as a coal patch. She was once seen throwin' fat kids off of a riverboat just to see if they'd float. Man, that's cold. Good thing she duct taped their mouths, otherwise they might have made a bit of a ruckus. When she plays piano, it's usually with one hand so she can use the other one to make small incisions in her forearms with a carrot peeler. She's got a bit of a temper too. I once heard she ripped a man in two, pulled his guts out, and pulled his skin over her head like some kind of freaky tuxedo. Great cook though.
NAME: EARL "FUZZY DICE" TAGGART
INSTRUMENT: Lead Guitar, Afro
RAP SHEET: Using his Afro to transport appliances over the border

Fuzzy has been known to frequent the steel towns of North America on his tireless search for the world's finest cougar. Earl's fro has a real hypnotic quality to it. You look at it for too long, you'll wake up in a dumpster with no wallet, smelling like day old pee, and one heck of a sore caboose. He wears sunglasses most of the time as his eyes shoot liquid steel when the sun hits 'em. He's in the middle of building a "work shed" out of recycled tires. He doesn't want y'all to know what it really is, but I'll tell ya. He's been workin' on a de-educating ray that will stupify all the smartypants pansies.
NAME: QUICKSNARE SKYLER EARNHARDT
INSTRUMENT: Little Tiny Drumkit
RAP SHEET: Illegal Ingestion of Untested Anti-Aging Technology

Don't let Skylar's boyish good looks fool 'ya. He's 78 years old and is mostly responsible for the reversal of the Colonel's aging process. He only uses a few of his drums - the rest of 'em are at home filled with a pinkish liquid so the alien fetuses that live in them can breath our air. His daddy used to work at Area 51 and hasn't really left the house since he started growing the tentacles. Shame too. The wife just can't look at him the same way any more. The one redeeming feature of being horribly disfigured by way of the US Government doing gene testing on you without your knowledge is a big fat pension!
NAME: HARLAND "HAMMERHEAD" COSWORTH
INSTRUMENT: Double Bass, Flamin' Motorcycle
RAP SHEET: Stunt Drivin' a Police Motorcyle in a crowded Church

Why the Evel Kenieval style helmet you ask? Hammerhead laid out his 3200 cc home made rocketcycle on a back country road goin' out purdy close to 400 miles/hr. When he woke up in the hospital, he'd lost most of his skull. Due to a small medical insurance problem, Hammerhead is forced to either wear the helmet or walk 'round with his pulsating brain fer all to see. Sometimes the other boys in the 'Bell hold him down and attach the jumper cables to different parts of his noodle. I reckon one time he rendered a pitch-perfect version of that scary tune in 'Conan the Barbarian'. Go figger. Good thing he's got a sense of humour.
NAME: SKEETER ARLO EAMMON
INSTRUMENT: Drums, Percussification, Clam Shuckin'
RAP SHEET: Overuse of a Restricted Ride Cymbal in a Public Place

Skeeter is another of the 'Bell's short term drummers. Skeeter met with a small accident when Clem tried to use him as a tire block to stop the tour bus from rolling downhill while parked on a steep incline. I always thought his skull (or at the very least his hair) could withstand the pressure of the gross tonnage of the tour bus, but I reckon me and Clem mustuv miscalculated. Cryin' shame too, cause this boy has NICE hair. Just about the cleanest and bestest style in the whole outfit. He's probably comin' in about third even as a dead man (maybe even second if his brains weren't so stinky!)
NAME: SHAMACKA THE DESTROYER OF DRUMS
INSTRUMENT: Drums, Lear Jet
RAP SHEET: Being Way too Cool in a Public Place

Every now and then the weather forces Shamacka to land his Lear Jet in close proximity to a 'Bell show. The boys is kinda mixed up about The Destroyer... we love his drummin', but he ALWAYS splits with ALL of the ladies. Some o' the boys say it's the jet, but I say it's all about the size o' the rock he lays down. He's got a roadie fer every drum and a steady supply of fully sponsored back up drums juss in case he done smashes 'em to pieces. He also travels with an army bag full of adult diapers for the folks in the front row. Once he hits the skins, it's a guaranteed shitfest for those who see it.
NAME: ZEBULON THE CRUSHER
INSTRUMENT: Drumkit, Cymbaltry, Fornication
RAP SHEET: Purchasing Pornographic Filth fer Minors

Zebulon left his highly lucrative porn bootleggin' business to join the 'Bell fer a show a while back. Maybe not the smartest move, cause the cops got a bead on him. You'd think all the 12 year olds he sold porno to would live by some sort of code of honour, but yer sorely mistaken. They squealed like the immature little pigs they are. Can't even charge the little bastards with possession cause they is too young. Sheeet! I guess it figgers. Lots of the 'Bell drummers have met with the proverbial bum rap, and I 'spose Zebulon shouldn't be no different. Don't do the crime if you can't do the time I 'spose.