Here are some of my favorite record albums - maybe you filthy mamas should check this shit out. Get some drugs, and some booze, and some friends, and some ladies - and then don't move from your couch for a week or two. Should sort ya out, proper-like.


KISS
Kiss, Hotter Than Hell, Dressed to Kill, Alive, Destroyer, Rock N Roll Over, Love Gun, Alive II

Hell, you gotta own all the fuckin' Kiss albums up to Alive II. Like fuckin' hell, people - where the fuck ya been? Sheeit, I'd even suggest gettin' Ace Frehley too. Don't bother with the other solo albums, though - they reek of the disco Kiss faggotry to come.

ZZ TOP
First Album, Rio Grande Mud, Tres Hombres, Fandango, Tejas, Deguello

Well sheeeit, people - you also gotta own all the gawdang fucking ZZ Top albums from the 70s - The 'Bell commands it. Be very wary, though, people. Get the vinyl records if ya can, or new remasters. DON'T buy the CRAP 80s remixes of these albums. Ask your friendly record store attendant. Or just steal 'em. Fuck the man - Yeah!!!
DEEP PURPLE
In Rock

Gawdang, these boys sure are English, but the 'Bell loves 'em anyway. Mama especially loves "Hard Lovin' Man" from this record. We don't ask why, though. Makes us feel funny and weird.
HAWKWIND
Space Ritual

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Lemmy? AHHHHHHH! URRRRKKKKKKKKK! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!! YEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!! Gawdang, I love PCP!
BLACK OAK ARKANSAS
High On The Hog, Raunch N Roll - Live

There just ain't nothing a bunch o'country boys, having a good ole time, dropping acid while simultaneously praisin' the lord and buggering anything they can. Makes ya feel good
GRAND FUNK RAILROAD
Grand Funk, Live Album

So they're just a bunch of northern, Michigan boys - ah well, they probably know a lot about makin' cars. I can't believe CDNOW doesn't have the rockin' red album. Well, fuck them
JAMES GANG
James Gang Rides Again, Live In Concert

Another kickin', northern power trio. They're alright in the 'Bell's books too. And check out that movie Zachariah at yer vid-yoh store. It's a little gay [actually it's fuckin' totally gay - a teenaged Don Johnson in a scarf!?] - but we all know what happens when you're out in the desert, with nothing but horses n'men fer company, and....well, y'know. And where else can ya see Joe Walsh (lookin' like that dude from Gummo) with a cowboy/jazz drummer Elvin Jones? Fuckin' smokin.
MOUNTAIN
Climbing

Just fucking buy it before Leslie West comes to your trailer and fucking pummels you into a sloppy little pulp.
AC/DC
Let There Be Rock

What else would you let there be? Cake? Piss? Fine dining? Fuck no - it's all about fucking ROCK!!! The 'Bell agrees with this ideology whole-fucking-heartedly.
LYNYRD SKYNYRD
Best Of The Rest

I bought this record right off the record player, from our good buddy Mark, down at Rotate This. Gawdang, there's some rare tracks, and THEY JUST FUCKING ROCK LIKE ONLY JACKSONVILLE MOTHERFUCKERS CAN!
THE OSMONDS
Crazy Horses

Am I on fucking crystal meth again, or do the Osmonds wanna be a kickin' rock band here? Oh, I'm on crystal meth and ketamine. Shucks, things look funny.
JOHNNY BOND
Johnny Bond & His Red River Valley Boys, Three Sheets In The Wind

We deeply admire this man and all he has done to promote alcohol usage. He is truly a king among men.
LINDA RONSTADT
Silk Purse

Dunno if we've ever actually listened to this record. If we were gonna have a circle jerk, though, I think we'd pick this album cover, shucks. She sure looks purrrty, sittin' there with them pigs. Gawdang, yet another album CDNOW doesn't even got.
JOHNNY WINTER
Johnny Winter And, Still Alive And Well, Saints & Sinners

He's a pretty smokin' guitar player, with a self-destructive Texan bent, that the 'Bell can appreciate purrty good. Saints & Sinners is all prison songs - really touches a raw butt nerve that we all know so well. Johnny's brother Edgar is pretty cool too, but sometimes he sings about his wives a bit too much.
VARIOUS ARTISTS
Diesel Smoke, Dangerous Curves And Other Truck Driver Favorites

Hell, we all love truck drivers. They bring us our food. They also terrorize the highways at 2am, high to the tits on little white pills, while gettin' sucked off by underaged truck stop transvestites. Sheeit, truckers are a regular freak show. We look up to them with awe and respect.
CCR
Bayou Country

Gawdang, smells swampy. We sure like that. Ok, so "Proud Mary" is a bit overdone (thanks Tina), but the rest is hotter than the grease that splashes out of the pan, onto yer leg, and makes ya howl for mama.
SIR DOUGLAS QUINTET
Mendocino

We like this dude Sir Doug a lot. He was from Texas, and he liked marijuana like a swine likes shit. Nothin' wrong with that, y'all. Just don't buy the album listed on CDNOW, cuz it ain' the fuckin' right one. Fuck that shit.
TED NUGENT
Double Live Gonzo

Ted's albums are kinda all the same - so when in doubt, just buy the band's double live album, I always say. Or just steal it. But I've said that before, shucks.
SCREAMIN' JAY HAWKINS
Cow Fingers & Mosquito Pie, Voodoo Jive - Best Of, Black Music For White People

This guy was fuckin' craaaaaazy! I dunno where to fuckin' start. I guess just buy a gawdang greatest fuckin' hits, or somethin'. Fuck me, this guy was just fuckin' nuts. We used to have him over fer barbecue, and he'd scare the shit out of us, doin' voodoo shit with his ladies, and such.
JAMES BROWN
Live At The Apollo

Gawdang, Mr. Brown's smokin' hotter than a crack pipe in August on this record. This is the only kinda yankee, New York stuff I can abide by. Sometimes our very own Sarge has little "episodes," and think's he's onstage, the night this was recorded. He shouts a lot at us, but we don't pay him no mind.
NAZARETH
Razamanaz

These here good ole Scottish boys can drink, fight n' rock with the best of any mountain freaks. Methinks it's the Deep Purple guy's production job that makes this record sound good. Not that I know much about techonalogicalaties - hell, I just wet myself figurin' out the toilet.
HUMBLE PIE
Rockin' the Fillmore/Smokin'

Ah yeah, the forgotten jewel of British rock. Rockin The Fillmore is probably the best gawdang live album ever. So good that you can even forgive Peter Frampton for goin' all fancy in later years. And his replacement, Clem Clempson...? Well, let's just say it's a frickin gawdamn coincidence we have the same name. I may be related to an awful lot of people, in a lot of fuckin ways -- but I ain't got no kinship with him. I'm American, goddamit.

RUSH
First Album

Just kiddin'! They did get a kick ass cowbell sound, though. Gotta give 'em props fer that.
JOHNNY CASH
Live at Fulsom County Prison, Live at San Quentin

Man, this dude ain't kiddin' around. Songs like "Cocaine Blues" and "25 Minutes to Go" give me the creeps. Especially when I smoke crack. But it was nice of him to come entertain pappy in San Quentin back in the 70s. Pappy's jailroom TV done broke and he was down to racin' rodents fer entertainment at the time.
THE ALLMAN BROTHERS
Eat a Peach/Beginnings

Two drummers! Say no more. These guys had true Jacksonville style, plus at least 2 dead original members. What could make them more immortal? The cool part is that Beginnings gives you their first 2 records in one budget set, so you'll have enough bread left over for that bottle of Olde English malt liquor that you want so bad.
RAINBOW
Long Live Rock n' Roll

Dammit, sometimes Richie Blackmore would just fag out and play renaissance themes with his damned guitar. But on this album they kept the bullshit to a minimum, letting Ronnie James Dio utter warnings about Babylon, and other biblical kinda shit. What a wholesome little troll he is.
STEPPENWOLF
Seven

Seven's a great number, although it's not so handy for packaging beer. Fuck, this album cover's trippy, though. And the band sounds heavy. Thank God John Kay hopped the Berlin wall and didn't stay in East Germany. He'd probably be in a Tangerine Dream cover band right now. Fuck that.
TEN YEARS AFTER
Space in Time

Did you ever see the movie Groupies? Ten Years After had the hottest groupie of all. Dunno if she was old enough to buy lottery tickets, though. This album's got lots of bluesy, 'eavy British rock about heroin and outer space too. A nice, Sunday morning type of record. Makes me wanna smear tasty grits on myself.
STATUS QUO
On the Level

Ok, so it's a little fruity, but these dudes invented headbanging Wembley rock, so it's gotta be worth something. Gawdammit, how come they had so many hits with the same damned 3 chords and a shuffle tempo?
ALICE COOPER
Killer

Ah yeahhhh! The king of shock rock before the golfing fetish took hold. Man, this dude loved his Budweiser. That's really where our appreciation for him began. And the original Cooper band was rockin'! "Under My Wheels" is a great prom night blowjob song.
JIMI HENDRIX
First Rays of the New Rising Sun

Well, the man was a way cool guitar picker - and we dig the vibe on "Ezy Ryder." Whenever I hear the song I think of the following scenario: biker clubhouse, biker mamas, table-top cunnilingus. You know the scene. But who the hell doesn't?
JEFF BECK
Beck-ola

Ah, an early engineering job from the wizened hand of hard rock kingpin Martin Birch. He makes Rod Stewart sound he's got 2 extra balls. He makes Ron Wood's bass sound like a monstrous fuzzy beast. Jeff Beck IS Nigel Tufnel on this album. ROCK!
FREE
Fire and Water

Hey, isn't this the band from Almost Famous? They had stylish facial hair, and some pretty cool moves. Hard to believe they were British. Didn't their guitar player die of a drug overdose on an airplane? What a fucking rock star!
MOLLY HATCHET
Flirting with Disaster

Ah yeah, the kings of the B-list southern rock bands. I think they're all fat as fuck now. But what's wrong with havin' a healthy appetite, especially when living in a region renowned for it's fabulous, portion-oriented cooking? The Conan album covers are actually better than the records inside.
THE MARSHALL TUCKER BAND
s/t

Man, these dudes dabbled in the questionable "flute rock" genre, but southern they were nonetheless. The thing I don't understand is, there ain't nobody called Marshall Tucker in this band. Maybe he's some historical figure I don't know about, cuz I ain't so good with the readin'. "Can't You See" is a great prom night blowjob song too.